|Posted on March 3, 2016 at 4:50 AM|
#ThatAwkwardMoment when you said in your last post that you would be consistent and posting sometime later in the week and that didn't happen at all. This just goes to show that I was being honest when I said before that I struggle with consitency, and I was not relying on the Holy Spirit. And I publicly apologise for that. Excuses are not allowed.
So, unlike many people, I actually use Facebook regularly and not just because Facebook is the medium that my university uses the most for club things. I had to argue, plead and bargain my way onto Facebook in middle school and I have been getting all the worth I can out of that.
This is why the “On this day” app on Facebook was such a blessing to me. There has rarely been a day where I haven’t had at least a handful of memories to look back on. It’s a walk down #NostalgiaLane. Sometimes, I shake my head at something that younger Sana’ said and vow to never share it for its sheer silliness. Sometimes, I’ve said something really deep or rooted in my faith that still applies to me to now years later and I, then, decide to share it.
On March 2, I checked the app and was heartbreakingly surprised to see one of my old statuses from 4 years ago. On March 2nd, 2012 I posted a status saying that: “I hate my eyes.” (I was going to screenshot the post and attach it here but it looks like Facebook won’t let me see it again until March 2, 2017.)
As soon as I saw that, I remembered that day and what had brought to declaring one of my greatest insecurities at the time on social media for all to see.
I remember being so excited that day because finally, after 8 years of glasses, I’d finally have contacts and be “beautiful” again.
I remember planning the outfit I would wear to school the next week for my big debut, the new and improved Sana’.
I remember crying in the optometrist’s office because my eyes refused to accept the contacts and all my dreams of being beautiful fell away in that instant.
But it goes, so so so much deeper than that day.
When I look even through my profile pictures at that time in my life, they are all edited. Not simply with text on the picture or just a quick fix because my camera was bad quality (and still is, lol). But edited to lighten my skin colour, soften what I thought were imperfections on my face; to do everything to fit the standard of what I truly thought beauty was.
I remember that Sana’ in all her brilliance and (feigned) gaiety; she was incredibly insecure.
I can still identify with that girl from four years ago because she’s the voice that the Enemy uses to convince me that I’m worthless, useless and purposeless today.
Insecurity is a sin issue. It a classic tactic that the enemy uses to belittle God’s Word, devalue His plan and entrap the Saints in a state of immobility.
Insecurity is an identity issue.
Insecurity comes down to what you believe about God and about yourself in light of that. It is only eradicated by knowing your identity according to how God made you, how Christ redeems you and how the Holy Spirit sanctifies you.
God has been teaching me a lot about my identity in this last little while, a lot. It’s been raw and hard and expository; and it has brought me to a new level vulnerability and intimacy with my Creator, Saviour and Advocate.
I would be remiss if I didn’t share it.
Everything that occurs in our lives is for the glory of God – even the hard, vulnerable, raw, painful stuff. Especially those.
I’ll paraphrase something that a ministry I love said a few years ago: When we are broken jars of clay, we allow His light and love to be shown even more clearly through us to those on the outside.
So, here I am a broken jar of clay, and I pray that over these next few posts as I share what He has been teaching me about identity, that you would see His light, love and glory all the more.
À bientôt <3
Categories: Roaring our Identity